12th April

It hit me yesterday I got married sober and did not ruin the day through being drunk I let my emotions happen and did not try and push them down. I made a speech sober I said I do sober and I had the first dance sober. I made efforts to talk to everyone and hug which is very hard for me. I said good bye to everyone in the morning and I feel proud of the way I conducted myself.

We watched the video during the week it was brilliant😂😁

A new chapter a new start.

Moving house this week also.

   

 

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17th March

Racking the days up which is good however close call last night, was away in Aberdeeen arrived at hotel which I have had many a messy night at before was hungry and just generally out of sorts, I just thought lets go to the bar and get some wine…then I remembered the saying just don’t pick the first drink up so I decided to have dinner first then see how I felt so I had my dinner and after I had no craving at all it had all gone thankfully so I have woken up this morning feeling pleased with myself as I was strong and overcame the demons.

So much going on in my life very busy at work, getting married in 2 weeks then have to move house. Don’t know if I am coming or going but I must not pick up.



11th March

So hear I am after a while clean it seems I need to do the AA thing as nothing else seems to work it is bringing back not so nice memories when I tried this last in 2007. 8 years or so on it seems I am back where I should of stayed that’s one big learning curve to deal with but in the cold light off reality this is the only way to stay sane and clean and stop the same repeating pattern sober for a few months then my brain tells me I have sorted it and there I go back off and running on the destruction path.

I went a met a guy the other day 40 years sober had tried everything and nothing worked other than AA. We talked for over an hour and it’s so easy to talk to people that get it and understand. He told me he does not do the god thing but has lived by one rule since day one don’t pick up the first drink as crazy it sounds he cannot be more spot on. It turns out he runs meetings very close to where I live so I am going this week. Don’t have a choice need sober friends and support fact. 

The UK Alcoholics Anonymous website states that while they do not offer a formal definition of alcoholism, the majority of their members would agree on the following statement; “… it could be described as a physical compulsion, coupled with a mental obsession. What we mean is that we had a distinct physical desire to consume alcohol beyond our capacity to control it, in defiance of all rules of common sense. We not only had an abnormal craving for alcohol but we frequently yielded to it at the worst possible times. We did not know when (or how) to stop drinking. Often we did not seem to have sense enough to know when not to begin.”

This describes me 100% to the bone. As soon as I take my first sip something takes over and I get a craving like nothing else that’s why I worked out over the last few years drinking on my own was the best option no one to watch or judge me it could be in a hotel or at home or in the pub or a restaurant. My mind is alcohol dependant.

I have been living in a world which is far from reality living in fear being numb all the time not facing life head on and what comes my way how can I ever find out who I really am in this world.

It’s time to stand up be a man and be counted. Deal with my problems head on not head in the sand approach. Before I know it another 5 years will pass if I made that and if I did I would have moved no further on as a person.



1st March

Well 1st March a super important month for me there can me no slip ups at all no feeling sorry for myself no saying it’s ok no letting the demons win its very simple I must remain AF for the whole month I cannot and will not get married having had a drink either this month or on the day. 

I have to look my best this means remaining AF free however hard this will be, eating 100% clean, training as much as possible even though I might not feel like it, drinking lots of water and just doing everything I can to be the best me possible. I need to feel my feelings not bury them with anything let it happen.



25th February

Back the the recovery word until I am happy using is I am just going to say I am AF free and I chose not to drink because it does not do it for me anymore, it has negative effects on me.

I have come to the conclusion that I do not like myself very much I need to start loving myself more this will help, I am always beating myself up on a daily basis.

Found the below love it😍

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24th February

I hate the word recovery, it just sounds really crap and I do not think its the correct word for someone who has stopped drinking. When some says I am recovering alcoholic that just sounds really naff as well.

I prefer I just decide not to drink or something like that.

Comments welcome.

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I woke up today on the 9th November and decided to change my life